Occasionally, Soldiers are complimented for their service. While recognition never fails to bring a smile, there is a group of much stronger, much more deserving individuals who fail to recieve recognition: Army Wives or military spouses.
Those not in the military atmosphere try to offer support and empathy. Often times, these well-intended attempts are not well thought out. The following is a collection of such thoughts that are intended with consideration but come across as inconsiderate or oblivious at best.
The following list of lines from family and friends are memorable, because they are particularly discomforting.
Often, people may attempt to empathize with the situation by saying one of the following:
“I know how you feel. My husband was away for nearly a week on business last month.” Although, well intended, a short business trip is NOTHING like experiencing the weight of a deployment, which can last from six to fifteen months.
"I know how you feel. My husband just signed up for the Army and I just can't handle him being away at training." Although, you may miss him terribly, basic and AIT training is NOT the same as deployment. One day you will 'know' how it feels and realize how foolish you sounded.
“I know how you feel, I was a single mom.”
The wife does stay alone and care for things, but a single mom does not have to worry about a husband being in danger.
“I understand what you are going through, I watch the show Army Wives.”
The show Army Wives is not a reality show; it is a TV drama that is meant to mimic what writers believe to be true.
People may offer what they believe to be a compliment:
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“I couldn’t deal if my husband left that long.”
Hearing this is not a compliment. The wife does not have a choice to “deal,” and, often times, they don’t know how they get through either; they just do it because they honor and love their husband.
Some try to offer support and look on the bright side of things concerning the deployment.
“Well you only have 9 months left. The rest is easy now.”
Having a portion of the deployment completed does not make the rest of the separation easier.
If he is in Iraq, “At least he is not in Afghanistan.” OR
If he is in Afghanistan, “At least he is not in Iraq.”
Regardless of his location for the deployment, he is still in danger and still separated from his family.
Often times, military spouses are asked questions with obvious answers. Would you prefer if she answers with a non-obvious answer?
“Do you miss him?”
“Are you excited he is coming home?”
“Are you scared he will die?”
On the off chance that the spouse has taken her mind off these thoughts, you have now changed that.
Others carelessly encourage, “But he’ll be home for Christmas, right?”
Military personnel do not get to leave their assigned deployment for Holidays. They are granted only two weeks of vacation to leave and visit their family. Only a fraction of them can visit home at any given time, including holidays.
Believe it or not, those close to military spouses will at times grow tired of their friend’s sorrow, saying:
“You knew what you signed up for when you married a soldier.”
“You knew that he would be deployed.”
Military spouses do not marry the military; they marry the man or woman that they love who happens to be in the military. No one can ever describe to you what the weight of a deployment is like or “what you are signing up for”.
Some people just do not think before they talk:
“I am glad my husband isn’t in the military, because he could die.”
Believe it or not, people who aren’t in the military still die.
Asking the Soldier, "Do you have to go?" YES. Yes, they have to go. It's their job. They cannot walk into their commanders office and request not to be sent.
Asking the Soldier, "Well, can't you just injure yourself to get out of it?" Really!?! NO. That is NOT how it works and is completely unacceptable and dishonorable!
The right things to say are not lines stored on a pocket-sized notebook, which can be pulled out in the necessary moment. Upon meeting an Army Wife, you should not feel as though it is necessary to try to relate to her. Although you may feel it is socially necessary to comment on the Soldier’s absence, there is really no need to do so at all.
Support, encouragement and graciousness are appreciated for both the soldier and the spouse. However, there is a key to interacting with both, the soldier and spouse: sincerity.
If you pray, offer comfort by sending your prayers to the soldier and his family.
*Special thanks to www.afghanistanmylasttour.com
No comments:
Post a Comment